People in the dating industry love to talk about the “high-value man” concept. Coaches use it to improve their image, and customers eat it up since it’s a fantastic ego boost. Everyone’s chasing the high-value label. I think this misleading term was popularized by Pickup artist “Mystery” in 2005. Since then, men strived to become this so-called “high-value” individual, not realizing it’s all smoke and mirrors.
It’s all in your head, my man
Figuring out the whole women thing was no walk in the park for me. When I read my first self-help Pickup book, I thought I hit the jackpot. As if I found some secret treasure. Pumped to test what I learned, I tried various methods to attract girls. I did magic tricks, routines, different game styles like “Physical Game”, “Comfort Game”, and all kinds of nonsense.
I went to the club and tried to be of high value to women. “Is it working?” I used to wonder. “Have I done enough attraction game? Maybe I should pull my next routine and only then start the comfort phase.” I even went as far as wearing ridiculous hats and scarves to “peacock” myself.
But it flopped. The whole value game made me needy. I got obsessed with analyzing every single interaction with women. I tried to become high-value and impress girls because, in my mind, I wasn’t high-value. I was average at best. I wasn’t good enough in my eyes, so I over-compensated with tactics. The funny thing is, it affected how I saw women, too. I saw them as high and low value! What a mess I was.
In one of his infield videos, pickup artist “Mystery” said, “Don’t look back at the girl behind you, or you’ll lose value.” I thought it was sad. Do social cues at the club determine a man’s value? Does he become less just because he turned around?
And what does “value” mean anyway? How do you measure it? The criteria for high value is subjective. It can be influenced by cultural, social, and personal values. A woman’s perspective of what makes a man high-value isn’t universal to all women. Being a high-value man might mean financial stability or physical strength. It might mean mental strength. It can also mean ambition, leadership, emotional intelligence, leadership, kindness, integrity, and ten other things.
I promise you, any guy who gets entangled with this value game will find it’s a maze with not exist.
Forget being high-value, you’re already of value
After trying self-help methods for six years, I decided to give therapy a shot. And it opened my eyes. It made me realize how many false and limiting beliefs I had. All the “game” and pickup material I consumed skewed my view of the world.
I was too unconfident to express myself freely and always too caught up with what others might think of me. Initially, I got into “the game” to have more women in my life and enjoy them, but it turned into a nightmare.
It reminds me of the kid on Dr.Phil’s show, who said he doesn’t talk to his family because they’re “irrelevant” since they don’t have followers. You can tell he had a flawed view of the world, measuring other people’s worth by the number of followers they had. In his mind, people with lots of followers were “high-value”. But it was all in his head. No one shared his ridiculous views. The more he talked, the more the crowd laughed.
In one of my therapy sessions, I said, “I always try to take a girl home on the first date. Otherwise, she wouldn’t even want to talk to me.” And my therapist looked at me for a few moments and said, “You really believe that?” I hesitated and replied, “Hmm, no. Not really.” Right then, a penny dropped in my mind. It was like I woke up from a long dream, as if I was under the influence of some drug. I finally noticed all the absurd beliefs I had.
That day was a turning point for me. I let go of all the attraction methods I knew. I threw away all my pickup notebooks with hundreds of notes, trying to become high-value. It was like shedding a whole layer of myself I no longer needed.
You’re a person. That alone makes you of value. Your worth is inherent.
I’ve come to realize I was good enough just as I am. Why not? Other guys my age got girls who weren’t necessarily good-looking, rich, or smarter than I was. What set them apart was their mindset. They weren’t caught up with all the neurotic value games I played in my head. They were simply themselves.
When I talked to successful men outside of the pickup community, they thought the whole thing was stupid. “You have methods to get girls? And even a community around it? Wow. Ok.” Their approach was basic. They preferred going for the girls they wanted without complicating things. If it worked, great. If it didn’t, they let go and went to the next girl.
How to attract women as a valuable man in 60 days or less
Drop the high-value man myth. Regular men like you and I succeed every day with women they like. Take care of the fundamentals and you have all the value you need to get the hottest girls around.
Here’s what to focus on:
1. Adopt a new mindset: there’s no reason I’m not enough (as Alex James from the 4WN taught me). You’ll have your own personal battles with this new thinking, which is natural. You’ll feel up and down, secure and insecure. But keep going out, talk to women, and learn from your mistakes when you make them.
Eventually, you’ll hit a point where you’re comfortable in your skin. You’ll have minimal self-talk, if at all, and your self-esteem will skyrocket.
2. Get on some kind of career path. Your job, hobbies and interests tremendously affect how you see yourself. Valuable men acquire on-demand skills so they can be valuable to others.
3. Go to the gym. Lifting weights will help you reduce stress and build testosterone, which changes how you feel about yourself. You’ll feel calmer and more confident in your day-to-day life. Working out helps nurture a subtle sense of presence, similar to meditation. Women feel that presence of yours and react to it subconsciously.
Working out also makes you look better. It’s the best feeling when you look in the mirror and see your body getting leaner and bigger.
4. Make sure you look clean and sharp. A nice haircut and well-fitting clothes will impact how people see you. Whether you approach a girl or apply for a job interview, you’ll give a much better impression than most guys if you look like a guy who’s got his act together.
5. Think win-win. Guys who get women make girls feel appreciated. They show genuine interest in her, compliment her, and know how to navigate conversations around “serious” topics like work, family, friends, etc. Successful guys are more than just good flirts. They’re someone a girl can trust.
Men who get into the “high-value” game never get far. They never see themselves as a guy worth the attention of quality women. So they learn more methods. More attaraction tactics. More stategies. These men fail sooner than later. Instead, stop trying to become high-value and work on being “of value.